i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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