He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
