I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
