So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
