and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
