you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
