Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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