He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
