you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
