My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
