New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
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