There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize