Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
