I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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