You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
