His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
