So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
