Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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