i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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