It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
