Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
