upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
