i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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