yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Slut skills are useful in every country.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
