I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
