That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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