you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
