i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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