Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize