I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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