I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
