I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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