i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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