I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
