So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
