I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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