My sheets look like a crime scene.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
