I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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