quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Did you just see the Batmobile???
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
