not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
