the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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