I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
We just shotgunned beers for America
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
