I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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