I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
3 2 1 whiskey
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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