so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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