HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Randomize
