Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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