i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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