I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
