omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
