i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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