Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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