I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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