I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
