drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
