soooo we both peed the bed last night...
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
