just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
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