I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
