the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just google imaged poop.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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